Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
