I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
She told me I should be a condom model.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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