You really coming over, don't trick.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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