i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
