i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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