I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
