why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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