I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
