exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Randomize
