Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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