Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
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I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
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She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.