His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team