A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread