I hate all girls vehemently.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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