Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
