is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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