Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
So here I am, sexting at work.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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