My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
