I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize