this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
