There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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