Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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