i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
