You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
