what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
