If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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