I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
