So drunk its hurt
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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