there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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