Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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