Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
