Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
