Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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