3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
