My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
