Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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