I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
