i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
