Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
