so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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