You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
