she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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