i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
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We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
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Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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