We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
