I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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