Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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