You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
