check it out our google latitudes are spooning
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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