no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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