is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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