There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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