I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
