there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
