I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
