Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
