Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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