But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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