You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
