I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
