Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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